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Anecdote From An Anonymous Source

Essay by   •  November 21, 2010  •  1,953 Words (8 Pages)  •  1,607 Views

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What is love? I wish I knew. I thought I knew love some time ago but it left me suddenly and I felt hurt, nearly destroyed by the lack of it. It makes me want to cry sometimes. I don’t understand why she happened to me, Brandi that is, or where she went. I know she has a “real” boyfriend but does that mean I never meant anything to her? I wish I knew that too. I wish I knew a lot of things, but I don’t and I probably never will. I don’t even know why I’m writing this or why my girlfriend, Sephra, will probably end up reading it tomorrow or some day after that. I don’t know what she’ll think, how she’ll react. I don’t even know if she feels the same about me as I feel about her. I think I love her because she is so similar to me and causes the same feelings to rise in me that Brandi did, although I never laid eyes upon Brandi. She seems to understand me like Brandi did, almost to feel as I feel. She protects me, I know that much. Today I became angered when she told me about an unjust edict her mother had issued about telephone calls after 9 o’clock, which is when I get off work, and thus cut me off from her, or her from me as it were. Anyway, I punched my locker and she cried out for me to stop. I have a problem with that, anger I mean. I can’t control it, when I become angry enough I am liable to do any number of “bad” things. I’m somewhat angry right now, and sad at the same time. I miss Brandi and I miss Sephra. I’ve wondered if some divine force hasn’t brought them to me in order to show me there are others like me and to give up the sorrow I always felt for my life. It seems so insignificant at times but some days it feels as though I am the lowest creature on the face of the earth. I have my moments of perfect clarity, right now, when I am in a mixture between these feelings. I can see things from all aspects, but for the life of me I cannot see in me what Sephra or Brandi do. I’m nothing special, just another person who is trying to break the mold and become something more, whether it’s good or bad, I don’t really care. I don’t care about a lot of things, school, driving, money, or myself. I care for Sephra a lot and I still hold feelings for Brandi, but not like the love I felt for her before. I think if Brandi were to resurface it would be more of a deeply rooted friendship and I think she would be happy that I finally found someone I could stand face to face with and talk to. Lately I’ve been becoming sick, physically and mentally. I don’t understand why, my head hurts constantly no matter how I try to circumvent it and my stomach is gnawing incessantly. My mind is becoming clouded and I am having trouble separating my dreams and fantasies from reality at times. I woke up this morning totally sure I had killed someone when in fact I hadn’t. I was convinced Sephra and I had been together the last couple of nights and I have just now realized the falsity of these delusions. I fear I am about to suffer a massive mental breakdown and I will have no defense. Slowly but surely the entity I thought was sharing my mind and body has been receding to the point I feel no emotional protection present and I am again unsure of my actions. I am to the point of tears right now and I want to tell someone all of this. This is why I am making a record of it, so that I can show somebody. I want to show Sephra but I am afraid to, I don’t know what she will do or think. I fear she will ridicule me and think me weak because I have the capacity to reveal my innermost thoughts, things that would scare a “normal” person. But then, I’ve never been a normal person so I don’t really know what one would think of the thoughts that roam the constant battlefield of my mind. Only recently I have learned that my biological mother had given me drugs as a child to quiet me when I would cry. This hurts me deeply and gives me a reason for why I am the way I am. I’m feeling sorry for myself again aren’t I? Oh well, it happens often. I thought about ending my life again today. I don’t even know why I think about it now. I just want an end to it all. I suffer endlessly. I am constantly under attack from my own violent thoughts and have to fight to remain in control of my actions. The once few outbursts of rage are becoming more and more frequent. I am being revisited by the horrible nightmares that plagued me as a child. I am dying inside again. I need help, but I am afraid to seek it. I don’t want people to know, to ridicule, and finally to condemn me. I can see it now, “Look at that poor boy, so confused and hurt. His parents obviously neglected him.” Bullshit, I was the one who neglected everyone else. I don’t need ANYBODY. I DON’T NEED ANY OF YOU! I only need myself. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I am independent. But I am not. I need Sephra. She gives me reason to pause and think, why take my life when I have someone to share it with now. It is not only mine but hers as well. I was becoming very close when I finally got up the nerve to talk to her. I was so afraid of what she might say. I was afraid to kiss her but it finally happened. Everyone thinks I am going out with her so I can fuck her, but it isn’t so. I am with her because she completes me in a way I cannot explain. I hope she feels the same way about me. I think I will show her this, and let her read it so she can know what is truly inside of me. She has seen only a small portion. Look at me, writing this to nobody. What’s wrong with me? I don’t know anymore. I thought I did for a time, but I was wrong. I thought I knew it all. My intelligence was a sham, my idiocy is a sham, I don’t even know who I am. Suicide, Grant, they are one in the same. We are one in the same. I have always known deep inside, I just needed to give

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