The Office: Can’T We All Just Get Along?

As Americans, most of us spend more waking hours at work every day than we do in our own homes with our own families. Our coworkers become an extended family; a dysfunctional one at times but a family nonetheless. Work becomes a mini life-within-a-life where we form relationships different than any others. The entertainment industry realizes how entertaining the workplace atmosphere can be and has capitalized on it with such hits as Mike Judge’s cult classic movie Office Space (1999) and NBC’s hit sitcom The Office (2007). It is an awesome social experiment to see how such diverse personalities can coexist for such long periods of time without resulting in complete discord. But just as any family has the “drunk uncle” or “eccentric aunt” that we brace ourselves for every holiday season, our places of employment are chock full of “characters”. Love them or hate them, they provide fodder for hours upon hours of entertainment, gossip and in some cases frustration.

Every morning I sit down in front of my computer at about 7:45 am and begin the daily routine of checking voicemails and logging into the various programs I use throughout the day. Mind you, I don’t technically begin work until 8:00 am but I usually arrive a little early just out of habit. There is however, at least one dedicated employee who beats me to work every morning. We’ll call him “Overzealous Employee” for what I think are obvious reasons. At about 7:48, Overzealous comes trotting into my office with his ever-chipper demeanor and greets me with a question that usually sounds like this: “Morning. So, I was thinking about that thing we talked about last week with that one problem regarding the cutting table? Remember that? I was thinking we should talk about that more this morning.” This may seem innocent enough in itself but imagine having this conversation, every morning before work has technically begun…and then twenty more times throughout each day. “So, want me to answer your phone while you’re at lunch?” “Do you need anything?” “Remember three months ago when that one guy called? What ever happened with that?”

Tending to Overzealous is a full time occupation within itself. I would like to think that Overzealous is just trying to be helpful and be seen as a problem solver but this is hard to take when I haven’t even had a cup of coffee yet. I’ve tried to find ways to avoid Overzealous before 8 am, praying to the Workplace Gods that he doesn’t see me until later, but this is futile. He seems to be waiting for me outside the bathroom, near the coffee machine or sometimes sitting in my office when I arrive. I’ve actually called in sick to work before at around 6 am expecting to leave a voicemail, only to have Overzealous answer the phone. Overzealous also has radar, bat-like hearing and if anyone, anywhere in the building needs assistance they can be that he will materialize in a split second to be of assistance. I wonder if he goes home at night?

As I work my way through the drudgery of the morning, I will surely be visited by “Chatty Kathy” at least three times. Chatty usually makes her first visit to my office by 10 am, plopping down in the extra chair, letting out a heavy sigh. The heavy sigh is to let me know she has things to say. Things usually consist of who said what upstairs in customer service, who has made her mad this morning, “Oh my Gosh guess who I saw over the weekend?”, and what a heavy workload she has. The latter making me wonder if her workload would be more manageable is she maybe stayed at her desk and tackled the leaning tower of paperwork instead of paying gossip visits to everyone in the building all day. Chatty is friendly so it’s hard to be firm with her when I have pressing deadlines but I’ve attempted shorten her visits by staring straight at my computer monitor, continuing to type while nodding occasionally and giving her a polite “Mmhhmmm” every now and then. I have even sent emails to my friend in another department to page me and start a phone conversation, thinking that Chatty will take the hint and leave. Alas, Chatty is immune to hints and will remain there as long as it takes to spill all of her gossip until she has accumulated more for the next visit in approximately two hours.

At some point during the day I will check my email to find a dirty joke from The Pervert. The Pervert thinks his dirty jokes are quite hilarious but he has chosen his recipients very carefully, sending his inappropriate emails to those he has decided will “get him”. Somehow, I’ve been blessed as one of the chosen few. I don’t think I emit any “pervert” vibes, nor do I act unprofessionally

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